My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
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I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
“That there’s a damn shame, Bill. Yeah, no, sorry, I didn’t see anything. I was visiting my sister’s tree over on Morgan. I’ll ask around and let you know if I hear something, though. Geez, what a world, am I right? Anyway, your homeowners policy should cover it, no?”
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
I accidentally hit a parked car so I left them a note that said “next time it will be you”
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
How to find Kentucky on a map
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
I once read a book about an assassin that would identify at least 5 items in any room that he could use to kill everyone else in the room with him if need be.
When I enter a room I identify at least 5 places I could take a nap if I need to.
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.