Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.

mom: why is your room always so messy

me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die

Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?

Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.

6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]

me: [hides behind GF]

GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-

me: look, we need more strong female lead char-

I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.

my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery

Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*

I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.

The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.

Basically.

there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.

🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon

“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably

Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.

My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.

Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain

The Sun: What’s his deal?

The Rain: Weird

The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know

But wait…

Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention

Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that

Invention: *crying*

Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up

Me: I said I was sorry

Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*

My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?

Me : Because a good employee is hard to find

stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society

Me to me: I’m pretty garbage

Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrong

Someone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing

According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.

My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.

May you never lose your sense of wonder.

Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery

The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.

Jesus: My moms a virgin.

Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.

If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.

This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10