my mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words
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How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
We need more people like this.
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.