my mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words
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*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
Boeing’s commercial spacecraft will be undergoing its final test flight tonight. Knock on wood, guys! But not too hard, it’s a Boeing
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Yup!
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
Kinda fucked that the government knows my birthday but never sends me a gift or nothin
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.