My mom used to get me to ring her phone when she couldn’t find it, and then she’d pick the phone up and be like oh Sarah sorry I missed your call
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Being rude underwater is snarkeling
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
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*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
every college guy’s fridge
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[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.