Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Always be yourself.

Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!

A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-

running back in the house for
something you forgot.

That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.

89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”

I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.

Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?

Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?

My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.

Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive

if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it

SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.

SON: Is it good news or bad news?

SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.

I never had kids because little kids see too many ghosts and that’s something I’d rather not know about

genie: please no
millipede: more legs

The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.

just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4

I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.

My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.

I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.

“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys

Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-

Vampire: wow

Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-

Vampire: WOW

people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.

Stop making me make accounts. A lightbulb that changes colors shouldn’t require an account. A TV speaker shouldn’t require an account.

Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!

Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.

Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.

Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.

Electrical engineer: Dead battery.

Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.

IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.

I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere

My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.

My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent

Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.

After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.

Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao

My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.