Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me trying to “trust the process”

It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.

a depressed madame curie is a sighentist.

[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right

You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac

Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll

My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.

Me: i want a ferraro

Friend: ferrari?

Me: no just one

The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.

Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.

[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.

im so bored im gonna join a poly relationship and stage a coup and kick the main one out

Giving someone a tour of a company I don’t work at and describing every single employee as “our lion tamer”

angel 1: what are these?

angel 2: strawberries

angel 1: you forgot the seeds!

angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?

angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside

god: *passing by* ooh nice

Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.

Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.

– a short history of responsibility

[interview at Bass Pro Shops]

So, tell me a little about yourself.

Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!

Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.

WEBMD: Enter symptoms

Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin

WEBMD: You are a jellyfish

WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.

if humanity is so smart how come it took 6000 years after the wheel was invented for someone to put them on a suitcase

What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?

Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?

Saw a guy reading a book and writing notes in it. Not enough words in there for ya bud ?

There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil

Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa da

Daughter:

Me: shit

Daughter: shit

Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold my wife’s friend’s baby when they come over for dinner tonight.

12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?

[father and son riding bikes together]

dad, how’d you get so good?

[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs