Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

one time in med school I lost my pokemon coffee thermos in the hospital so I retraced my steps but couldn’t find it and I got sad so I went to the cafeteria for a cookie and the clerk was like “haha I like ur thermos” and I looked down and guess what I was holding the entire time

Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.

My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!

I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.

I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.

[trying to sleep]

Me: ok, just breathe and relax.

Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED

japanese corn

I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.

I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.

I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.

It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.

There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.

One time in summer camp I asked the rabbi if it was kosher to eat ham flavored chips if they didn’t actually have any ham in the ingredients and that’s the kind of question that takes up 80% of the Talmud and it ends with two elderly throwing hands over it

My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.

jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home

*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email

The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.

I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.

-Lies I’ve told to cops.

Shampoo companies need to be clearer when they say “repairs damage”

I cancelled my therapist appointments for nothing

I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.

My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search

[During sex]

Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*

Him: Ok… Wanna role play?

Me: Sure, you’re a musician

Him: Oooh! Which one?!

Me: Bono

Him: Why Bono?

Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.

🥶🥶🐶🐶

When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.

I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.

the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds

I’m a bad influence on myself.

People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.

@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.

[looks into a mirror]

Well. That can’t be right.

There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.

Hands: Hold my beer.