Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
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I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.