I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
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Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.