My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
You Might Also Like
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
felt that
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
This election could drag on for days. Unless someone captures the Snitch, then it ends immediately.
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
The opposite of goth is stopth.