My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
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flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
“How is the job search going?” first of all, that is a violent question. And it hurts me, by the way. And second, how the hell should I know
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
If you wear enough cardigans people will assume you’re smart and you can stop reading entirely.
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Your honor my client doesn’t like jail
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.