Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.

HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact

me: i hear they’re the best

Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]

ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning

moses: 🙂

ramses: oh you son of a-

My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…

OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING

How to become a Saint

1: Become Catholic

2: Live an exemplary and pious life

3: Perform at least two miracles

Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby

What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?

A) Be Seedy

ME: this mask should give me the best protection

SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95

“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…

…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.

Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.

Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!

*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into

so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell

I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend

I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.

My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.

GRAVES.

Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows

Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?

2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.

2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”

I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!

It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.

Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.

Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream

Professor: That’s him, officers

The Assassin.

[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.

Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*

Wife: So…what do you think?

Me: I asked for an iPhone

“Moo.”

– hipster sheep

Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.

scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left

aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?

sientist: ause it’s your fault

The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex

the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon