Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[grocery store seized by terrorists]

“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle

“Don’t make things all about you for once…”

My mother says hi.

*watching someone make a cake*

them: and now add the mascarpone

me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses

The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.

Created by Jews, saves humanity.

Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.

Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-

I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.

[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids

I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!

*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one

This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen

Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’

Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.

[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell

[best read with a French accent]

“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”

If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!

who thought of the name? he did? okay, hang on {calls out to the cubicles} craig, can you come in here for a sec!

Me working remotely from home:

“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”

*moving laundry from washer to dryer

I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious

I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.

When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?

Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.

*Weird bird sound in the distance*

4 year old: “what’s that ?”

Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”

4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation

Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*

I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.

Isn’t it odd that “read” is pronounced like “lead”, while “read” is pronounced like “lead”?

8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.

[relaxing in my hammock reading a book]

“Hey kids! We need to clean your rooms…come get me in 15 minutes.”

And that’s how you buy yourself a whole lotta peace and quiet😎

I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.

My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.