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A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
fair
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
no their not
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?