My mom was a little overprotective. She made me wear a helmet every time I rode my bike. It was an exercise bike and I was 19, but hey, her house, her rules.
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I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
– For this evening’s dessert, Hercule Poirot will drone on and on about something until you emit a loud shriek.
– Ooh, Belgian waffles and I scream!
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
me when the borders lift
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
sorry I’m late, my dog was sleeping in the shape of a donut and I had to take 175 photos
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
Me trying to look natural in photos
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
That’s a good costume, I hope.
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
love the comedy trope when someone is fired and they turn in their gun for a position that doesnt require one