My mom was a little overprotective. She made me wear a helmet every time I rode my bike. It was an exercise bike and I was 19, but hey, her house, her rules.
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“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
“The future is yours!”
Me: [Looking around] No thank you.
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
List of things my kids wanna talk about at bedtime
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
Fun fact: A 10-minute walk in 93- degree weather lasts forever.
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.