My mom was a little overprotective. She made me wear a helmet every time I rode my bike. It was an exercise bike and I was 19, but hey, her house, her rules.
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♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
stop
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
#IWishIHadNever noticed
when dads have a rap battle
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed