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me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
I could murder a cheese sandwich. I’m not hungry. I just think I’d be capable of that.
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
People who think all witches are women and all doctors are men must be really confused by witch doctors
Ok that baby hippo is adorable but how did 90% of my timeline become baby hippo overnight without me ever searching hippo content.
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
lmfao come on