My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
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My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
Tower: Where are you, pilot?
Pilot: I’m over Cologne.
Tower: Your pungent odour has not gone unnoticed, but where are you?
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.