My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
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Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
#merica
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”