Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Judges are so childish. Oh, you’re angry so you’re going to slam your little hammer on the table?

Grow up

No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.

“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”

Attention: will the owner of a small blue planet with tectonic plates please attend to your vehicle. It is overheating.

Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat

We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.

Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.

Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.

—me flirting with a chemist

I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.

I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.

My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”

I’m giving up for Lent.

“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil

“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented

Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow

I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.

Capital punishment should only be used for people who say the meeting will end early and then run 5 minutes over.

“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.

Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore

I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after

Me: So I’ll see you Friday?

Friend: I can’t wait!

Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT

[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready

You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.

Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.

Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.

Exercise won’t cure your depression, but it will make you hotter than your ex. Which is sort of the same thing.

I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never

Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?

Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.

Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.

Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.

Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .