Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.

everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!

(my loneliness is paralyzing)

There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.

[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over

I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…

lacktoes intolerant

*opens another beer*

I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.

Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?

what do you mean you’re the glamdalorian

cashier: paper or plastic

me: it’s a debit card

cashier: no for your milk

me: oh haha liquid’s fine

I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream

[ explaining The Plan ]

jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs

god: look man, these ppl are idiots

ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”

BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.

There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.

Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent

Dating:

“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”

Marriage:

“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”

JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok

[when someone likes me]

*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me

Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?

If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.

I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.

my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking

doctor: why do you think you need this medication?

me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome

Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets

“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.

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[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky

My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime

My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?

For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved

Telling everyone I’m premed…

(short for premeditating their murder)

78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60

My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.