My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
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[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
good work, detective
host: name a famous tattoo artist
me: *buzzing in* abraham inkin
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
To whoever started playing Jumanji in 2016, please finish your game. This is getting out of hand.
The whole “Hugs, Not Drugs” campaign was so stupid because, back when I did drugs, I can assure you, there was so much hugging going on…
Pretty certain I can more drunk
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember