Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Candid photo of me, eating chips.

*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list

adds you to my “No” list*

Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.

The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.

Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.

A dad and his duck

guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right

The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.

My kids are watching Babe and my oldest asked “What happened to his mother” and I just slowly looked at the hotdog on his plate

Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.

Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.

5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.

GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo

*family screams*

SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people

Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.

We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.

Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.

[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in

Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.

Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!

Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this

You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart

We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.

I refer to one of my neighbors as the “older lady on the end,” but it turns out she’s like my age.

Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT

“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever

set yourself free xox

Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie

Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.

[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair

Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?