My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
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If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
R.I.P.
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
Can’t tell who liked my tweet so from here on out, I will assume every like is coming from my crush.
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that