Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Dave, don’t, he ain’t worth it bro”

Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”

[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors

#catsoftwitter

Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time

His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’

Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!

Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago

“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”

When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.

A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.

[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?

Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.

DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]

Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up

Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?

W: Oddly specific but yes

Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry

“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney

“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done

Him: ok now put a worm on the hook

Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?

we really living in the the most difficult section of someone’s AP gov exam in 2053

Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.

Wife: Me either. We are getting old.

Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.

Wife: What do you mean-

[Kids start imitating hyenas]

-nevermind.

I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.

By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.

Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.

Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.

My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.

Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.

CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.

*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING

A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?

*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*

*burns neck with curling iron*

*stabs scalp with bobby pin*

*gets hairspray in eyes*

*wears hair in ponytail*

God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!

Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha

God *creates birds*