Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”

After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.

WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys

ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?

i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.

half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.

The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”

if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out

BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday

[1 a.m. thursday night]

ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped

*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”

The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them

me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first

Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.

It’s a vicious cycle.

New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.

If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn

I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.

90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms

Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn

My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.

I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly

*cough*

Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.

My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.

As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.

My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.

Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..

Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!

Am I romantic?

I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.

So, I don’t know.

You tell me.

Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?

Husband: Huh?

Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?

Husband: What?

Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?

Husband:

It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.

“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.

Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.