Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.

Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…

Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …

my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

People will remember:
– you were in the corner
– in the spotlight
– losing your religion

Pros & cons of being a skeleton:

Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..

Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone

“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.

Ever notice how the most sensitive topics love to crash the party at the worst times? Like, “Yes, I’m totally ready to unpack childhood trauma… in the grocery store line.”

Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.

[talking to a frat bro]

Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.

the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps

guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point

My fitness goal is to lose two straight jacket sizes.

Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please

Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.

no one:

not a soul:

my daughter: if I ever get rich I’m going to buy a family crypt for all of us because we don’t want random dead people buried around us

I hate how early it gets dark now.

Alaska: LOL

He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.

Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.

Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did

2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un

1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept

The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs

The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold

Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.

Me: Mmm hmmm

Wife: Are you even listening to me?

Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.

I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…

I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.

[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]

Sorry for the delay in texting you back. My internet is slow and it takes a week to arrive at your location

when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready

We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.

Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏

If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.