@DrakeGatsby

my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*

my dad: lol nerd

You Might Also Like

@AIanHangover

Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.

@OreoSpeedwagon_

Adopt 25 cats and you’ll never be alone. Also melt cheese on things. Not the cats though.

-me as a therapist

@brendohare

Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long

@daemonic3

Your honor, may I approach the bench?

Judge: You may

*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*

The defense rests

@sixthformpoet

I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.

@MUMSIEesq

CASHIER: This bag of chips is open
ME: Yup
C: This bag of candy is open
M: Yup
C: This bag of–
M: Look buddy, I know all the bags are open

@Donna_McCoy

I’m looking at the serving size of Laughing Cow cheese and I see why the cow is laughing.

@DanMentos

“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.

@xeyednpainless

If you tell me to “chillax,” I will “chillstab” you and “chillaugh” while you bleed to “chilldeath.”