Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
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Adopt 25 cats and you’ll never be alone. Also melt cheese on things. Not the cats though.
-me as a therapist
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
CASHIER: This bag of chips is open
C: This bag of candy is open
C: This bag of–
M: Look buddy, I know all the bags are open
I’m looking at the serving size of Laughing Cow cheese and I see why the cow is laughing.
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
If you tell me to “chillax,” I will “chillstab” you and “chillaugh” while you bleed to “chilldeath.”