my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
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once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.