Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.

Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%

Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.

The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.

[Controversial and unpopular statement]

Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.

Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.

Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.

Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.

Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?

Me: *sound of footsteps running away*

🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶

My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity

kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool

my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.

me:

me: nooks and crannies?

him: it’s a kind of candy.

me: whew

For the second year in a row, work colleagues have failed to get me a birthday present or card. So, for the next 12 months, I’ll continue to take £5 out of each of their birthday collections as their backdated present to me. Cheers guys.

I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.

Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?

Parenthood. It’s for you

I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.

Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.

the urge to pee in the morning is so aggressive bro , like chill we’re getting there 😭 don’t threaten to come out

dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!

Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.

This time of year I randomly remember going to this chaotic family dinner. I made a comment about how peanuts grow in the ground like potatoes instead of on a tree. My brother in law couldn’t accept this, called me a liar, yelled when it was googled & has not spoken to me since.

Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.

So much for trying to
be Friends.

A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?

Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.

ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about

[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.

Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.