My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
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Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
My 8 year old packed his own toilet paper in his backpack to bring to school because he said theirs is too harsh.
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
Drilling for oil is well boring.
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”