My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
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Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
Girlfriend: “I regret getting you that blender for your birthday”
Me drinking a pop tart: “why??”
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
Not being able to eat before blood work is so stupid. Yes I’m aware my funyon levels have spiked am I dying or not?
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
