My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
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👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
I don’t think I will be asked to make a curry again 🤣🤣🤣
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.