My mom when I pay for dinner: oh sweetie, you really shouldn’t have done that!
My dad when I pay for dinner: if I had known, I would have gotten the ribeye!
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50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
How come it’s called “thrift store shopping” instead of Goodwill hunting?
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
I forgot take my phone to the bathroom, so I had to start an argument about politics with the guy in the stall next to me
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
I’m not good at quickly making up derogatory names on the fly, unless I’m driving.
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
So annoying that in order to meet new people you need to go out and meet new people. Ideally I would have known you in a past life
pro parenting tip: reach your weekly fitness goals by giving your Fitbit to your 9yo for an hour.