My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
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No one approached me–a reliable stranger–to take a picture of their family yesterday. Could’ve been the eye patch
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
sorry I’m late, my dog was sleeping in the shape of a donut and I had to take 175 photos
A drone was spying on us in the yard this morning, so I did what I needed to to protect my family… finished shovelling the snow with no pants on so it left right away
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
Growing up my half brother convinced me the family of ginger kids in the next street – me also being ginger – were from my Dad’s previous marriage, but told me not to tell anyone. When Dad died I visited them to let them know. You could imagine the confusion as the lie unfolded
3yo: I have counted my shoes. One, two.
Me: That’s right. For your two feet.
3yo: 😠 I want to have three feet.
Me: Buddy. Nobody has three feet.
3yo: YES THEY DO
Me: Where have you ever seen someone with three feet?
3yo, who has never been out of the country: IN 😤 ENGLAND 😤
Not all heroes wear capes…
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.