Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Can I be honest with you?”

Me- no, thank you

Got fired as a detective.

I have no clue why

I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams

*dog pokes me with nose*

*stop, it’s late*

(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)

*ugh, ok*

[sets up poker table for him and his friends]

If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.

I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.

2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.

Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.

Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you

When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”

Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.

Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye

When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.

You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.

I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.

Somebody should market a beer called “Occasionally”.

So when asked, I can say, “I only drink occasionally”.

Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.

Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.

Then we met.

Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please

Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]

Him: How old is your child?

Me: Child?

ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…

WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.

My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.

This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:

Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.

We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated

FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.

Then:
Me: I want McDonald’s

Mom: Do you have McDonald’s money?

Now:
Mom: I want grandkids

Me: Do you have grandkids money??

The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.

Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.