Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.

I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.

I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….

…..I just love smell of campfires.

ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.

ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.

Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.

One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.

I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.

[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sex

fibonacci: absolutely not

I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.

Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression

Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-

Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE

The expired vitamins I take every two years aren’t working

COMPUTER: Enter your password

ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]

COMPUTER: Your password is too weak

ME: [high fives computer]

axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable

do u think the guy who names hurricanes chooses the names of people he loves or is mad at

When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars

I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”

receive Botox for severe facial tics and before I get the shots, I smear a numbing cream all over my face (because the shots are painful). When my neurologist came in the room and asked how I was, I said “I can’t feel my face when I’m with you.” I thought it was funny🤷‍♀️

SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?

ME: oh, I don’t work here

*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*

“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there

If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.

I don’t make the rules.

They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple

We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace

I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him

Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…

Me: Black bread.

Chef: We don’t have that.

Me: Racist.

Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.

me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol

bank teller: something about a gun

I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies

The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.

Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please

BBC: *reveals new Doctor*

Me: Nice!!

…
…

Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-

Working at any office is like “Ok we’re transitioning to Salarya, but payroll is still in Bullfrog—did you see my Noosecock post? Submit your timecard on Fireplayce then jizz me on Smackdog . Do NOT upload to Crackerz without Yammer approval