Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A wise man once said “Just one small positive thought in the morning can change your whole day”
Me: “i think i’ll stay in bed”

I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.

*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”

heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists

“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*

Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room

My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.

I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.

I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING

Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say? 

2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..

I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.

My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.

This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.

What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”

A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold

[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]

Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic

People watching you so close, you’d think you were a Netflix series.

It’s okay to have a favorite child, especially if one of your kids is great at baking.

I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard

“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”

– The wind, apparently.

I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.

Called myself to see if I’d answer, sent me to voicemail. Twice.

I’m going to tell you a story. It’s a story…

A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?

man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.

customer service: do you have the boomerang?

man: no, that’s the whole problem

Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank

Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody

DADDY! You said the S word.
With Bull in front of it.

Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.