My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
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-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
15 passed his driver’s permit test today. so going forward this will now be a parent horror-comedy account.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
o shit
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
starting a garage orchestra
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
my relationship with the mailman is pretty toxic. one day he brings me gifts and i love him 😍. the next day he brings me bills and i hate him 🤬. but he always comes back 😌
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice