Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.

Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.

My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.

This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.

I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic

him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better

me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying

If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine

If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.

If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.

You know….

Squid Pro Quo

ME: i joined CrossFit

PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin

I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.

And a Czech one too.

born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”

Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”

I’m going to tell people they’ve put on weight while handing them a plate of food, so I can be my mom for Halloween.

Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?

“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”

Running your mouth is not cardio.

My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.

*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password

I asked my Gramma which walker she preferred to use.

She said Johnnie.

Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!

The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.

It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.

I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.

Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.

Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.

The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.

Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.

Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.

instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club

If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.

You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.

I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.