Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life

Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again

[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy

I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.

i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too

[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside

Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw

Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment

Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti

If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.

When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”

The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.

Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?

Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.

Banker:

Me:

Banker: I’m in.

I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it

getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances

Being a dog must be wild, everyone you meet is your masseuse

ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.

HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?

ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*

It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.

Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?

My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”

My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift

The person next to me on this plane only put their shoes back on after I showed them all the pictures I took of their feet

LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?

CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.

Want to try some vegetable chips? They don’t taste as good as potato chips, but on the plus side, they’re way more expensive.

i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs

“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail

How I’d get arrested…

My goal weight is:

2020 never happened.

I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks

Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.

Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.