My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
You Might Also Like
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean