My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
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*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
Bike is short for Bichael.
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
Frustrated with my 23 y/o daughter I said, “God, give me patience” and she replied, “when you ask for patience, God doesn’t magically give it to you. He gives you opportunities, like this one, to become more patient” and now she’s grounded until she’s 40
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.