Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.

wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD

Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.

WAITER: Ready to order?

GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!

W: We cannot

GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH

W: Again no

Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶

Friend: Cry

Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶

“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”

People that don’t know how cake
works.

“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”

– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows

Risking my life for fun.

Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”

just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine

Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage

*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat

I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.

[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*

Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”

Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”

5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?

me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves

Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you

My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.

*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn

Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…

I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”

[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT

My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.

Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.

Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.

So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?

To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?

“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”

-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.

…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.

My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.