Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”

Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?

It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.

My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house

A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.

Step One: Have kids.

[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail

Me: 46 and out of shape

Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket

Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.

“You have such a great personality”

Me: Thanks, I collect them

outlook just asked me if i’m “enjoying” microsoft outlook. as if it is not the Torment Portal

I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy

i wish there was a way to online shoplift 🙁

To do list:

1) Kill the fly in my room.

2) Try to snort multivitamins.

3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.

4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.

[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts

I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.

I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.

We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed

Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”

c’mon!

A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.

Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row

“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”

Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.

It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.

Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed

[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating

So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.

hey yall i’m subletting my room from 6:15pm-8:57pm tonight while im at the gym, $76 + utilities

Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him

sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon

Me: Ah-woooo!

The Moon: [swipes left]