Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?

I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.

I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.

I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.

I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say

My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!

Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.

Me: You want me to save the titanic too?

I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir

“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!

“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”

Me: *leaves room

Just experienced LA to its fullest.

A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”

“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”

~ Not an old Irish proverb

I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.

6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?

Me: Absolutely not.

(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)

Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?

There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.

“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.

I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate

On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.

Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.

What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?

Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?

3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.

I have an actual woodpecker in my backyard and now I can see why these guys had so many problems with Woody. I wouldn’t throw a grenade at him or anything but I might if I had one

I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.

Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets

*pulls up to drive thru window

Hi yes, do you guys deliver?

Overheard

Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.

(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun

I think nervous flatulence would be helpful if you were ever kidnapped

No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.

My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.

I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.

My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.