My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
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Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
Went fishing and actually caught a fish. So now I gotta deal with this shit
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
15: I found a great song. Do you want to hear it?
M: Absolutely.
15: It’s called “Everybody Wants to Rule the World” by Tears for Fears.
M: *sings the entire song at the top of my lungs & dances around the living room*
15: Okay. I don’t like the song anymore.
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
Don’t worry, you’ll find the lost scissors when you’ll be searching for your glasses