Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Give a baker flours on your first date.

So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold

My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.

Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.

She’s right about both.

It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department

me: so i have an attention deficit.

psychologist: yes.

me: so i need to get more attention

psychologist: no.

I bumped into a cute guy today.

I clawed his face off.

I should work on my people skills.

*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.

At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”

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Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?

The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.

Get real…

Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!

Alexa: Hold my beer!!!

let the world know you’re kind of a big dill

*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath*

*heads toward buffet*

me: I think my hippo might be dying

vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse

me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO

The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.

How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?

“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.

Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.

I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not

<first date>

Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*

Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*

Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies

Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows

I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.

“So sorry” -Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” -Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” -Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” -Apologise to me

“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.

I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”

Well played, well played!

If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.

Overheard the most hilarious conversation on my morning commute, then realized it was just me talking to myself in my car.

I need a vacation.

woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy

also me: lady i’m doing my best

me: *competes in gymnastics*

official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”

Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.