Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.

hey yall i’m subletting my room from 6:15pm-8:57pm tonight while im at the gym, $76 + utilities

You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.

Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.

Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.

Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow

don’t ask me for pet advice. my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be carried, won’t walk.”

So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.

PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood

If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader

Good guy: *kills henchman*

Henchman: wow

Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you

Henchman: WOW

Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.

I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas

Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island

Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain

This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself

[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?

Me: *leans in for a kiss

CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???

You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion

Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.

the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor

I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”

[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse

Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x

when people ask how much i weigh i always say ‘with or without blood?”

IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.

Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.

Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.

*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want