Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.

*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*

Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”

*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*

Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM

Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him

My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…

Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.

i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”

Called my mom to check on her and we wound up arguing over whether Shrek is Jewish

Breakup? I’m sorry no.

You’re not finished being in love with me yet.

If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”

The next time you’re hesitant to call or email your elected official because your issue doesn’t seem important enough…

Just remember how many times they texted you begging for $5

My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.

😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣

What should we call this portable computer?

SOME GUY: Laptop

[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]

ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.

THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.

ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”

if i spend $45 or less for the remainder of this year i should be good

My ex bf used to call me queen of the worms when I was being lazy and he meant that I was an enormous worm that wouldn’t get out of bed but I always heard it as like, I am an earthen goddess one with the soil, worms for hair, command of all wormkind

I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.

Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.

crow 1: wanna hang out?

undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder

I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house

tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell

Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee

I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.

Wanna hear a construction joke?

I’m working on it.

Reasons my 4yr old is crying:

She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.

Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent

Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST

I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.