My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
You Might Also Like
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
Hit me in the face with a bird
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
Need WebMD
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?