My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
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Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
[canadians at you, canadianly]
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
I need better friends
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES