Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I tried to walk like an Egyptian and now I need to see a Cairo practor.

I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.

When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.

i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle

A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings

I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.

Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”

Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”

Cop: …

I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.

*puts stethoscope up to chest*

Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen

“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”

*Im in the bushes giggling*

PSA:

Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends

And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.

What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?

Merry Christmas everyone

Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess

If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.

No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then

4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”

There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.

me: *gets something in my eye*

brain: put your finger in there too

tag yourself

Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic

ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies

I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.

You: how are you?

Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.

You: what?

Me: Good. I’m good.

One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.

I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.

“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)

He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.

Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
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M:
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M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.

DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze

Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.