my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
You Might Also Like
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.