my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
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WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?