Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

<during sex>

Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?

Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.

Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.

Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.

It’s a vicious cycle.

[movie theater concessions]

Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.

Kids: POPCORN!

Wife: seriously!?!

Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.

Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas

Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.

The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.

dad: when i die, donate my body to science

[later]

me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go

“Honey, have you seen the cat?”

– Mrs. Schrödinger

Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham

My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.

Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.

Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”

First date:

*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*

Her: So, what do you do for a liv-

*bites her in half*

I don’t think my family will ever accept me.

First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”

me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*

FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions

Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things

All right then, keep your secrets

“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”

my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making

funny guys are dangerous they make you laugh and laugh then boom they hit you with a shovel and throw you in a ditch

Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2

“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”

My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.

Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will

Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off

Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!

Him : Which one?

Me : I only have one face, Carl.

Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.

[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”

I could have been a doctor but the game Operation made me think the inside of a human body was electrified for some reason.

You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.

I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.