my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
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At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
I want the job where you push scared skydivers off the plane.
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!