my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
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THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
dream blunt rotation
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot