my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow

me: yes

my mom today: do u work today

me: yes i already told u

my mom when i’m at work: where are u

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At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.


If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper


Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…

Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”


Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.


Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.


I want the job where you push scared skydivers off the plane.


*Opening presents

1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!

2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!