@SemraDurmisevic

my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow

me: yes

my mom today: do u work today

me: yes i already told u

my mom when i’m at work: where are u

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@longwall26

One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”

@mompsychologist

Husband: So we’ve basically given up.

Me: On what?

H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.

@DaHess1

I want to see a pregnancy test commercial where 2 single people high five the shit out of each other because it’s negative.

@JermHimselfish

Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.

@aplethoras

me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god

@chuuew

ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]

IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE

@eedrk

you remember me as the guy who put his arm in the doorway to hold open the automatic door for you in 2009. welll, now i need a favor

@VerbsRProudest

Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.