Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*

My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?

“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade

Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”

A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”

My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.

me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you

I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband

Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable

Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing

Three steps to start a relationship.

1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.

Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses

“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.

Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.

*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!

Ground control: He says he loves you very much

Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?

I am patiently waiting for your email

Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.

ham: accepted, non-offensive

hamn: curse, extremely forbidden

[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.

When’s dinner?

-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner

Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites

This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.

My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice

me: why does my back hurt

also me:

Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.

💀💀💀💀

Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent

Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.

*in the car*

dog: where we going?

me: to the neuter clinic

dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!

me: no. your nuts

Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.

My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.