my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
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Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Toasters aren’t governed by that little dial.
They have free will.
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
If the zombie apocalypse happens we’re double screwed because at least 70 million are on record as having no brain
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
What a website
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.