Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.

Chaos ensues as I try to stop my 3yo from falling off the couch. My 5yo runs into the room and screams bloody murder. She stops and goes:

“Sorry. I didn’t know what was going on, so I just started screaming”

And it’s like, indeed, my little love; you’ve just described Twitter

No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.

[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.

I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka

360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case

My 7yo with someone she just met, “My mom has a dairy allergy, and my dad has a kidney stone. It’s gonna hurt when he pees it out.”

*goes to the park*

*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*

i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot

My boss thought these were “little pumpkin somethings” and bit into one.

If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.

The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not

Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.

Dating app for hypochondriacs called Twinge.

Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.

the chicken was already gone when I got here

Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it

Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”

pain

We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.

“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”

Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help

“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”

I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.

I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.

Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?

Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked

Caveman Summer

Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs

Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.

Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.

interviewer: your resume says you like being read to

me: and then what happened

You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.