Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.

And not ONE ab to show for it.

NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.

GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.

dead inside

This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.

I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.

HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….

Me: But…

Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.

me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?

If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.

🐕🍷

me: I was mugged by a snake

cop: was he armed?

me: *long pause* no

Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!

game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]

It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.

I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.

-me canceling my Dr appt

Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.

School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”

Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose

{At the last supper}

Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”

Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”

Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.

My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.

If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…

You might be dating my wife.

Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.

“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”

*pokes body with stick*

Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon

[later]

Wife: pass me the rock sample bags

Me: I thought you brought them

I just squealed when I saw my daughter brought home 2 lost water bottles from school. This is my life now.

“Oh, I like your coat!”

“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”

Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead

When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.

[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.

my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”