Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.

I should probably buy him something soon.

Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.

the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck

The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.

Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?

My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!

Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless

I have one of those signs in my house that says:

“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”

I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!

Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.

employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad

On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?

ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.

CO-PILOT: …What?

DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman

My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?

Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable

I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…

I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms

Don’t leave me hanging, Larry

Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.

[First day as a doctor]

Patient: I got stabbed!!!

Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?

“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”

“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”

-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor

I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors

Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.

Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.

Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.

trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”

I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’

In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.

[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t

“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”

– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive

Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?