Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

surfer priest: so, like, jesus & his bros were at dinner one night & he stood up & said, “the one who doesn’t order the fish tacos is gonna, like, totally betray me,” & his bros were all, like, “no waaay, we wouldn’t do that,” & judas was, like, “i’m sooo sick of fish tacos.”

mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth

baby birds: yay! dinner time

Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.

My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.

My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.

Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.

We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.

I can’t be the only person who thinks the presidential debate should be performed as a rap battle.

[holds up egg]
This is your brain

[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs

[adds pepper]
Needed pepper

[eats egg]
Mmm brains

Phones down.

A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent

A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?

What’s the loudest pet?

A trumpet.

#PetDay

#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay

My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.

My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”

I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.

Professor X: What’s your superpower?

Me: I turn positives into negatives.

Confessor X: Oh.

😂😂

I put my pants on just like everyone else.

When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.

When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.

All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.

My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.

Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party

If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore

Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”

Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.

Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!

“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.

Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.

4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.

I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.