Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.

First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*

Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*

I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.

I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.

“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe

if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot

Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.

damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do

McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold

Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself

“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish

I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full

I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug

Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.

My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket

After a certain age your body is like a car boot sale….
Some stuff looks old, some stuff doesn’t work, and some stuff you can’t even identify.

supermarket employee: can I help you find something?

me: oh no…I’m not shopping. I’m just here for the music

AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.

Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.

Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.

If I was a rock I’d be a pink quartz, polished smooth by my kids’ hands touching me all the time.

“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What

My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?

I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.

[Disney Pitch Meeting]

Writer: So kids love puppies

Exec: Haha true

Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them

Exec: First off, it’s perfect

My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.

[Budapest airport]

IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?

ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.

Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?

I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…

Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.

12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean