My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
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Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
I can’t work out if the pilot taxiing towards the terminal window is doing a huge yawn or his brakes have failed.
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
> takes cat to the vet
> vet is also a cat
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.