My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
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[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
I need this for my side hustle.
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
took a gummy earlier and I’m sitting outside. The same bush to my left has scared the shit out of me at least 4 times over the last 20 minutes.
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
I’m such a sucker for a sports movie. I want the team to win so bad… but then it seems like they won’t… omg they did it
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
My ideal weight is five million dollars
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
“Ooh go on then, I’ll just have one!”
*eats many, many, many, many biscuits*
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans