Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.

Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?

My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.

[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?

Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.

If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.

honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah

I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.

“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”

– Corporate ants.

We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.

*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”

Me to my children: I would kill and die for you

Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE

“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”

My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.

happy 100th birthday caesar salad!! may we all celebrate this day by stabbing a politician

Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.

Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?

When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.

John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down

I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office

– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch

My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.

Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?

Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]

My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.

I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.

Because it is Friday I will allow one beautiful woman to purchase me a glass of milk

I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.

33, Male, Jerusalem. You?

I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.

“baby on board” ok well can you tell him to drive faster

You Matter.

Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.

Then you Energy.

Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.

Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?

Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.