My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
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Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
All cookie dough is edible if you believe in yourself
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
Make it a habit to cry and act unhinged at meetings so you’re never invited back
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.