Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.

Sleeping In A Car By Age:

12 And Under: Very cool

13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal

18+: Uh-Oh

All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?

My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.

[husband opening refrigerator]

Me: “What are you looking for?”

Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”

If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.

Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit

Proctology is located in A55

People get upset when you bring a karaoke machine to a funeral.

[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying

Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun

Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!

My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her

Cop: know how fast you were going?

Me: 30

Cop: faster

Me: 217

Cop: what? no 72

Me: 54

Cop: I already told-

Me: negative 12

Cop: get out

Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!

My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass

(Hugging)

Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?

Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.

Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.

Him:

Verizon: your online bill is ready

Me: ok. for what

Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.

Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.

Me: Can…can I join, too?

Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”

I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”

Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.

Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”

My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.

If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?

Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.

When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍

[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders

People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.

“Here’s where you’ll be working… You can look at your phone as much as you like, pet bunny rabbits, and there’s a free McFlurry machine over there. Oh, and you’ll be working alongside Diane, who’s an insane, poisonous harpy who will try to destroy your mind for no real reason.”