My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
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Well, that should do it
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
*feels the wind in my toe hair
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
shut up and take my money
