Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.

Some things are better left unsaid

Tequila – No they’re not

Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.

Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha

Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended

Me: oh, what do you drive?

Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?

*loses you in a crowd*

finally

I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.

Am I a bad navigator? Well off course

This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”

Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring

This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.

i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili

Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.

After hand washing your cat, put up to dry

Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that

“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”

him: what are you thinking about rn

me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack

Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.

Single and childfree like Jesus

My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.

I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.

Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]

“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football

Them: *typing professionally on their computer*

Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*

Boss: what are you doing?!

Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale

Cake hits so much harder off a plastic fork.

Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.

I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong

Dear Stephanie on Facebook,

I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.

I only want to know what channel it’s on.

Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life

I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.