Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

2yo: daddy play with me!

Me: okay!!

2yo: *points* sit right here.

Me: okay.

2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!

Me: okay.

2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!

Me: okayyyyyyy.

Judge: how does your client plead?

Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually

Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.

My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”

Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?

Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.

If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.

My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.

About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.

I am ashamed of the scream I made.

We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup

Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.

I wish I loved anything as much as people love to say they are “thrilled” on Linkedin. Dial it back people, no one in the history of the workforce has ever been thrilled about anything.

Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?

clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note

Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety

To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.

Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.

twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers

Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.

The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.

The sales guy kept pushing, though I’d already said “No”, many times. So I shouted, “Non!” “Net!” “Nein!”

But he wouldn’t take No foreign answer.

In 1987, an American weapons manufacturing employee joked to his boss that he had sold secrets to the Daleks. The boss reported the employee and the matter reached the FBI, where the investigation stopped after someone explained who the Daleks were.

my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…

Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch

It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.

Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers

Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.

Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?

7-year-old: I found a penny.

Me: Good job.

7: How many more do I need for college?

I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.

Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.

Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars

Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?

Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.

What If When You Die They Ask You

“How Was Heaven?”