Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”

Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it

5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”

Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm

you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames

I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.

invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book

*hears dogs bark*

“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”

As I’m moonwalking away, they didn’t even notice I had stolen a brownie.

Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows

ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!

ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!

If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.

me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?

google: give it to someone else

Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?

[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”

Actually I am.

“WHAT”

APRIL FOOLS!

“Whew”

I’m technically a serial killer.

I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.

*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*

I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.

I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.

TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:

5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.

Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night

no exceptions

A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.

customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?

me: [looks over at dog] that is correct

If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.

Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.

To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.

Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.

Friend: How old is your kid?

Me: Kid?

My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.

Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.

-my son, asking to be taken out of the will

Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon

[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*

My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.