Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just got the emailed receipt from her shopping trip and It’s taking forever for my wife to get home and “catch” me doing the dishes

My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.

Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.

As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that

A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.

Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”

Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.

“I wasn’t born yesterday.”

-hilarious talking baby

My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.

It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard

The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.

thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*

Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.

I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…

NEVER. AGAIN.

in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents

a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon

Y’all I’m dead AF over this 😂😂😂😂😭😭😭☠️☠️☠️

While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.

Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.

Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you

Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”

me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles

dracula: venn

me: probably tomorrow

“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”

“schrodinger”

Say it with flowers.

If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.

I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.

(At the Gym)

Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.

Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face

I think…I think I swallowed it.

[first day as a mechanic]

customer: can i get a quote?

me: give me liberty or give me death

customer: i meant for the truck

me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out

I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.

Crow just flew by me carrying a whole bagel in his mouth and I cheered at the sky like my son just won a sports scholarship

Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer