Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes

Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?

Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.

ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.

Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.

It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.

Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping

me: how can I impress my date

friend: take her to your favorite food place

me: ok

[later]
her: that’s was really nice

my mom: you’re welcome

Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.

Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.

It’s almost ten o’clock, time for me to go outside and hit this big sheet of metal with a hammer in the parking lot for an hour and then turn my car alarm on

There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.

[baking a cake]

Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?

Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know

Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast

Me:

Niece:

Me: you’re my favorite

A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.

My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in

I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.

Roses are red

Pizza sauce is too

I ordered a large

And none of its for you

Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty

If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.

When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane

ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.

FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.

ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.

I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.

3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*

Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.

I miss dating

The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…

I have many caverns

My political views don’t have to be the same as your political views and that’s ok. One of us has to be a dumbass.

[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go