My mom’s Jewish and my dad’s Catholic so they decided to raise me batshit
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When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
Them: are you busy right now
Me: (just laid down) yes
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
A Match(.com), but for socks.
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
why we do always assume Pat is short for Patrick when it could also be short for Patatouille
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
Roses are red, you always mattered,
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
eating plastic bags is awesome. i don’t know why everybody is getting mad at me for doing it